Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Bigfoot

He’s Hairy, He’s Elusive, and He’s Tired of Your Nonsense

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You probably think Bigfoot is a hairy cryptid living in the forest with trust issues who survives on beef jerky. Well, you’re only half right.

Yes, he’s the reigning hide-and-seek champion of Earth and the undisputed king of blurry photos. But there’s a lot more to Bigfoot than meets the eye. A lot more.

How do I know?

An alien gave me his therapy notes. Apparently, HIPAA laws don’t apply in deep space. Also, don’t even ask how I ended up in a conversation with an alien. That’s a detour for another day.

Right now, it’s all about Bigfoot. Or Sasquatch, if you want to be formal about it.

Where Does Bigfoot Live?

Bigfoot is best known for lurking in the Pacific Northwest, but his extended, hairy family shows up all over the map.

You might be familiar with the Yeti, his colder and more distant third cousin once removed living in the Himalayan Mountains.

Maybe you’ve heard of Skunk Ape. Bigfoot’s embarrassing uncle, who can be found deep in the Florida Everglades. You might never see him, but you will definitely smell him.

Head west from Florida, and you’ll hear whispers about the Honey Island Swamp Monster in the Louisiana Bayou. Half ape, half alligator, and not interested in your airboat tour.

I could keep naming names, but this isn’t a Wikipedia article.

What Does Bigfoot Eat?

No worries, Bigfoot doesn’t eat humans. We taste too much like chicken. Wait, how does he know how we taste? Let’s move on before I ruin his reputation.

According to the notes, Bigfoot is mostly an opportunistic omnivore.

In other words, he eats whatever he finds, steals, or kills. And yes, he loves beef jerky. No, not because of any brand deals. Beef jerky reminds him of the dried elk strips his grandfather used to hoard in an old hollowed-out tree.

Preferred method of cooking? Raw. Fire attracts humans and Bigfoot hates small talk.

Does Bigfoot Have a Social Life?

You might be wondering if Bigfoot ever gets lonely in the middle of the woods.

Spoiler alert: he doesn’t. Being an introvert with social anxiety while having a habit of throwing pinecones at uninvited guests means living in the middle of the woods is the dream.

A tight social support group of raccoons, moss, and an emotionally supportive owl who won’t stop checking in is more than enough.

Now, dating? That’s complicated. Every time he starts to open up, someone takes a blurry photo and ruins the moment. Believe me, it’s really hard to be vulnerable when every meaningful connection ends up on a conspiracy blog.

What Else Did We Learn From Bigfoot’s Therapy Notes?

Turns out Bigfoot is not a monster. He’s just tired, slightly misunderstood, and he has a few unresolved trust issues. Living in the middle of a forest for centuries will do that to you.

All he wants is peace, privacy, and no cameras. Maybe just a quiet spot to eat his jerky without being put on Reddit.

If you ever come across him in the woods, just mind your own business and leave him alone. He doesn’t want to answer questions or take a selfie. Bigfoot is just one bad day away from throwing a tree.

Look away and always give him plenty of space.

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