Every Writer on Substack Is a Monster (and I Can Prove It)
A field report from the graveyard of good intentions
Halloween season is the best time of the year. Some people decorate their houses. Others decorate their self-delusion. Writers are all about building community, but most of us are just lonely creatures haunting inboxes for validation.
Scroll through the Substack feed long enough, and it starts to feel like a monster movie marathon. Every post has a shadow. Every comment section has a ghost. Some writers drain you. Some vanish. Some just moan in circles about monetization, or keep talking about the place that starts with an M.
Here’s the lineup of monsters you will encounter on Substack.
The Werewolf
Has one good post per month. Usually appears during a burst of manic motivation, then disappears until the next full moon of self-belief. Substack stats go up, ego inflates, then the transformation ends and they vanish again until the next lunar cycle.
The Ghost
Used to write about purpose and consistency. Promised weekly updates. Last seen in July. Occasionally appears in your feed just to say, I’ve been thinking a lot lately before vanishing into thin air again.
The Vampire
Messages writers with semi-popular Notes asking what their secret is while sharpening their plagiarism fangs. Smiles through the jealousy, then vanishes into the night clutching a stolen Cheeto.
The Mad Scientist
Constantly rewrites their tagline. Changes niche every two weeks. Launches three newsletters, deletes two, and claims the chaos is part of the creative process. Will one day invent a new form of burnout so powerful it powers the algorithm.
The Zombie
Still writing like it’s 2019 Medium. Follows every writing coach. Moans about consistency while recycling the same 10 self-improvement clichés from Tim Denning. No soul, just the same crap with a different name.
Bigfoot
Reads every post. Likes nothing. Comments never. Always blames the Wi-Fi being terrible in the middle of the woods. Probably has a newsletter too, but good luck finding it.
I can keep going, but a bowl of Cheetos is calling my name. I’ll see you again in a few days. Maybe.
I’m a warewolf! Arooooo!
I'm not sure who you are, Marcus. None of your Monster types seems to fit the pattern of your writing. Who are you? The Werewolf? But you post more often than once a month, and there are other mismatches with this type. All others are out of consideration. So, what type are you?